Mixed Emotions

Well, the word finally came yesterday... I didn't get into school for the 2009-2010 school year. I wasn't terribly surprised. I mean, I applied REALLY late. It would have been an absolute miracle if I had made it in.

I'm quite disappointed and sad. I'm also relieved. I really want to go to school, move to England, as soon as I can. I'm ready to start the next chapter. But when I think of ALL the things I would have needed to do before September... Well, that's where the relief comes in.

I am going to re-apply for next Fall, as soon as I can get my UCAS information updated.

I am feeling a confusing amount of emotions. On top of the disappointment, sadness, and relief, I feel annoyed, angry, heartbroken, and all alone. I also feel a little bit like a failure. I know that the "alone" and "failure" feelings are just lies, but they are there. I trust that God knows what I am feeling and what I need to do to make this work. So... Here I go again. The process of applying and waiting, starts again...

Sleep Deprivation Sickness

I haven't been sleeping much lately, for several reasons...

1. The most evil, diabolical rooster in the world, moved into the neighborhood

2. Emotional drama

3. The worry over weather or not I'll get into school

4. The heat (Though the last couple of nights have been cooler)

And the most recent reason I haven't been sleeping, at least the reason last night:

5. Edwin

Edwin is the kitten that I brought to join our family. He arrived last night. It's been a lot of years since we had a kitten. Our other cat SeverusSnape (AKA "Sev") came to us when he was already full grown... I had forgotten just how insecure a six week old kitten can be. Don't get me wrong, I love how attached he is to me already, but... Well, I got about three hours of sleep last night. The other sleep interrupting problems I mentioned before, already had me slightly insane from lack of sleep, not to mention fantasizing about rooster hunting. I mean I spent a lot of time yesterday either laughing hysterically over mildly funny things, or bursting into tears over Hallmark Card commercials. So take my already exhausted self, my precarious mental state, and my rather turbulent emotions, then add on top of that a night of three hours of broken sleep... That should give you an idea of my present state of being. The good thing though, is that I have a kitten who adores me and follows me everywhere. So after work today, I will take my less than happy self home, and get some kitty snuggles.

Cue the Jeopardy Music

I HATE waiting... The Jeopardy music has been playing in my head non-stop for the last couple of weeks. I just want to know what's going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really want to go to school this Fall, but IF I am going to get in, I need to know ASAP so I can apply for my visa and for financial aid. That could take forever... So I just sit around waiting, slowly being driven insane by the blasted Jeapardy music. At least if I really do go crazy, I'll get to meet the nice men in white jackets. And I will get to spend time in a nicely padded room. I bet it would be quiet in there. I could use some quiet... Although, the quiet might not help get the stupid song out of my head. In fact it would probably just make it easier to hear the wretched song... I changed my mind, no padded room! Please, if I go crazy, put me in a public ward with LOTS of noise and bother.



Changing the subject... I wonder if I could pull off everything I need to get done, if I get accepted for this Fall... I mean, IF I get in, it would be a total God thing anyway. The deadline for this Fall was a couple of months ago, so getting accepted late, will be a miracle. So I know that God would help sort out all the details. It just seems rather daunting. hmmmm.

Slacker

Yeah, I know. It's been awhile. I'm slacking. Sorry. Life has been... Interesting...

As of my last post, a lot has changed in my life. The biggest thing being, that my friend, Ben, returned to the UK. He left a week ago today. It's been rough, and has occupied a lot of my mind lately, which is why I haven't written.

On the school front, well, I'm waiting. As of this morning, my application is still under consideration. I have no idea when the school will make a decision, and that is driving me crazy. If I knew when I'd hear, whatever the answer, I could cope a lot better. Not knowing has always bugged me, and with something this important, it's nearly making me completely insane. Yuck... I hate uncertainty, but then, who enjoys it, really? I mean, it's always easier to deal with whatever life throws at you, once it happens. That's been my experience anyway.

So, I don't really have anything to report at the moment. But I'll write as soon as I know anything.

A Sense of Accomplishment

Yay for me!!!!!!!!!! I did it! I actually finished and submitted my application for school in England! Happy dance! (I really did do a happy dance!) My information will be processed in the next couple of days...





Ok, now I'm freaking out a little! I can't believe I just applied for university... In ENGLAND! What's wrong with me? What made me think I could do something like that? Seriously! This brand of boldness is so not like me... Or, the old me I guess.





Ok, I've stopped freaking out, for the moment. How come there's never anybody to hug at moment like this? I'm gonna go find someone.





Hold on........................................................................................................................................


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Ok, hugs done! :-D Eek! My heart is racing with excitement! I can hardly sit in my chair! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry to just flip out at you on this post, but there is little else I'm capable of at the moment! I can't honestly remember ever being this excited in my life. The time I visited the house in England they used for Mr. Darcy's house, Pemberly, comes close though! hahahahahaha!

Yikes!

Yay! I got my essay proof-read by two amazing people, and yesterday... I uploaded it to UCAS!!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!!!!! Now, all I have left is to pay the application fee! That's it! Then I'm all applied for school! Unfortunately that will have to wait until payday. :(





I can't believe I'm nearly, officially applied for school. It seems so unreal. At the beginning of this, it felt like the application process would never end. Now it almost has. Then comes the waiting to hear if I got in. Yikes! I'm so nervous! My stomach ties up in knots, just thinking about it. What if I'm not accepted? That is a truly terrible thought. It makes me want to hide in a hole under a rock, and never come out again. I want this so badly.



I've been feeling very lucky lately. I have such an amazing group of friends, and a fabulous family. They are all so supportive and encouraging. I don't have a clue why they all hang around me, but I'm so glad that they do! I want to say to all my friends and family, here and abroad, I love you all so much and I am so thankful for each and every one of you!

Feeling "Blah"

It's been one of those days... One of those weeks actually. It seems like nothing is going right. Work has been really tough. I'm not sure what the problem there, is exactly. I've not been sleeping either. That doesn't help. I don't know... I just feel a bit dull, really.

I feel stupid for feeling that way. I've got a three day weekend coming up. I've got plans to hang out with my good friend Tara on Saturday night. I am excited about that, it's been so long since we got together. My niece may be spending some time with me over Sunday night... But still "blah."

My suspicion is, that as things are not moving as quickly as I would like, school-wise, my disappointment is coloring my outlook. (Yes, I did spell color without a "u," I'm not in England yet! :D )

I want so badly to know if I'll be going to England. I know I'll get there eventually, I'm determined, but school is a perfect vehicle for that, and I badly want my Zoology degree. And I loathe the term "eventually." I hate indefinites like that...

Sorry I'm whining and moaning... As I said, it's been one of those weeks... I have faith that all things work together for good, for those who love God. I love God a LOT. So I am not really as hopeless as I might sound at the moment! In fact, I'm feeling better as I type it all out, getting it all of my chest I suppose. Anyway, have a blessed holiday weekend!