Poetry Corner

Misdirected Flight

Drifting
Looking for the path
Wondering
Searching for direction

I lift my eyes
Your face is all I see
My direction is set
The path leads to you

Do I follow?
Is this right?
Will my heart be broken?
But how to discover...

I take a breath
I lift my foot
The step is taken
I am falling

Lost in your eyes
Thanking God I found you
I am blind to all else
I fail to see

I am undone in love with you
My heart flies, soaring
But your eyes have changed
My heart loses altitude

I lay, broken
My flight ended
The crash unexpected
I am left here

I pull the pieces of me close
Try to put them together
Attempting to forget the pain
I find myself, once again...

Drifting
Looking for the path
Wondering
Searching for direction
_____________________________________

Trying

Working so hard
Longing for a reprieve
Wanting so badly
To start the next chapter

But imagination has run dry
Ideas stretch thin
No wise words offered
No light bulb flashes

Dreams long forgotten
Started stirring a while past
The next chapter beckons
But where to begin?

I need inspiration
A thought
A sound
A word

But I hear only silence and
My own heart beating
My own breath catching
As I try one more time
To step out into my life

Sigh of Relief

I know, I know! It has been ages. What can I say? I was overwhelmed by the tasks facing me. The stress of figuring out how to get my visa, how to get the financial side of things figured out... How to get it done in time... Well, it nearly broke me. The stress had been affecting my physical health as well as my emotional health. I was a wreck. I felt absolutely convinced that all my dreams were going to grind to halt, never to get going again... Eventually though, I snapped out of it.

It occurred to me a couple of weeks ago, that I could request a deferment, that is, see if I could keep my offer from the school, but start a year later in September of 2011. I also realized, that if they didn't grant the deferment, and I lost my offer, there was nothing stopping me reapplying next year, well nothing but myself... It all seems like such an obvious solution to all the stuff I have been stressing out about lately. The only defense I can offer for not seeing it sooner, is that it is never easy to look at a situation objectively, when you're right in the middle of it...

So, after much back and forth, I wrote to the Science Department admissions office at MMU. I explained that struggles I was having getting everything together in time and asked if I could defer my spot until next year. This morning I received this email:

"Dear Kelina

Thank you for your email. I have amended our and UCAS records to show you have deferred your application to September 2011. We will contact you during the Spring of 2011 to ask if you still intend to take up the place. In the meantime, please inform us if your contact details change.

Many thanks
Pat

It was as easy as sending an email... I could have skipped all the agonizing stress of the last couple of months by writing this email sooner. Clearly I am as blind as a bat was under too much pressure to realize it before. Anyway, upon reading that email, I heaved an enormous sigh of relief.

So that is my plan at the moment. I am now thinking and planning with the idea of going to school next year, instead of in a month and a half.

________________________________________________

And now, on to a completely unrelated topic.

I love acting. I REALLY love acting. I have been told I have a talent for it too. Not just by friends and family, but by professional talent scouts. But when I was about 14 or 15, I started having very severe audition anxiety. Even when I auditioned for friends in a church play or something. It increased every year. The anxiety is crippling. My heart races, I sweat profusely, words get stuck in my throat OR rush out in an incomprehensible rush... I freeze.... Once I had a part, the anxiety vanished as if it never existed. I could go to each rehearsal and act my heart out, loving every minute of it. But the audition anxiety got so bad, that a couple of years ago, I gave up. It broke my heart to stop acting. I felt like a huge piece of me died.

Last week, while going through job postings on craigslist (I am looking for a second job to help raise money for school) I saw a posting for an audition. It was for a feature length independent film that is scheduled to start shooting in Washington this Friday. They were having open auditions in a town about 30 minute South of me... I decided to go.

Sunday, I asked all my friends on facebook to pray for me. All Sunday evening and Monday morning, I got drenched in support and prayer. When I arrived at the audition venue Monday (yesterday) morning, I felt nervous, but only in an excited way. I was amazed, as I stepped onto the stage, to feel calm and confident. I got all the way through the audition without even a hint of the crippling anxiety I had become accustomed to feel. I had a blast. Even though I was just reading one scene over a couple of times, I found my joy in acting again. I don't even care if I get a part. Making it through the audition AND enjoying it, was a GREAT result. I am so thankful for all the love, support, and prayers of my friends. I felt them all. Thank you.

Just Writing

There has been a lot of craziness. Mostly because my nephew got quite ill and had to go down to the Seattle Children's Hospital. Poor baby! I love him so much! The good news is, he seems to be responding well to treatment and is on the mend. Thank you Jesus! Our prayers have been answered. :)

Yesterday I met with my friend Julie. She is a genius. She also knows a lot about student financial aid... We sat down at her kitchen table and opened up my laptop. She was a star! She helped me get started on applying. She directed me very well and saved me hours of reading through instructions and watching tutorials. When I got home I entered some more information into my application, then I got stuck. :( Sigh. So at work this morning, just as Julie was coming in, I pounced on her. She gave me a two word explanation that cleared everything up! Julie is my FAFSA hero! So after a bit more work, I finished my application! Yay! It is all sent in and now I am praying hard that God will provide the funds that I need.

My next HUGE project is to apply for my visa... I have spent several hours trying to figure it out... I still have no clue! If anyone has any experience that might help, please contact me!! And please join me in praying for the visa application process to become clear and go smoothly, and that FAFSA will work out.

And finally, love and prayers for my beautiful nephew and all of his family. I love you babe! Kisses from Auntie Kelina.

Overwhelming

I still can't believe it. It hasn't really sunk in. In a few short months, I'll be a student living in the UK. I'll FINALLY be "A Bellingham Yank in the UK." It seems unreal. I mean, as much faith as I have in God's love, goodness, and care for me, I'm not sure I really believed this was possible. I had gotten used to seeing other people's dreams come true, but me? I have had a few. I have stood amongst Roman ruins, taken a couple trips to amazing places, found friends that I know will be a part of my life forever, but as hugely important and life-changing as those things are/have been for me... I still didn't believe I was allowed to have more. This has caused a major shift in my thinking, in my faith. EVERYTHING looks a bit different now. A bit brighter. A bit more in focus.

On the heels of these overwhelming thoughts, come other overwhelming thoughts... I spent some time today, trying to figure out how to apply for my visa... It about did me in... Holy cow! I got dizzy, lost, clicking through page after page of confusing information... I'm really wishing I knew someone who had moved from the US to the UK for school and could walk me through the process. On top of that I have to start applying for financial aid. *Shudder!* VERY overwhelming stuff. And then there are the thoughts of everything that I'll miss here, while I'm there... That's nearly enough to stop me going. Nearly. I would be a level of stupid all my own to give up this opportunity. I don't want to be stupid. I also don't want to stay the way I am. I want to grow, learn, become more who God meant when He meant me...

So I ask this from those I love, who love me, pray please. Pray that visas and finances work out easily and swiftly. Pray that I don't crack up! Pray for peace.

Thank you.

School Stuffs Update

I have sorely neglected the original topic of this blog lately. What? Oh. You don't know the original topic? Well that makes sense, as I haven't mentioned it in ages... When I first started it, it was to document my adventure into applying to and (hopefully) attending school in the UK. (Check archives for earlier posts.) I figure I'm due for a school update about now...

So, while I was in the UK a few weeks back, i heard from the school I had applied to. I didn't get in. I was lacking certain qualifications for the program. It's not bad news though. After about 4 minutes of sadness, I got fired up again. When I returned home, I started researching other schools and programs in the UK. Here's the good news. I found 2 schools that have programs that are even more suited to my needs and wants! Yay! One school in Hull, has a Zoology program that includes a foundation year. The foundation year is for getting the qualifications you need to begin the actual degree. Fabulous! I added Hull to my application... Then I found something even BETTER!! It is a degree program called "Wildlife Biology." Perfect? I think so! The wildlife side of Zoology is what i wanted to focus on anyway. AND it includes a foundation year! It seemed a bit too good to be true, but I added it to my application too.

Two days after they both had received my application, last Monday, I got emails from both schools. Both said they were pleased to receive my application and looked forward to reviewing it and getting to know me during this process. One school, MMU in Manchester, the one with the Wildlife Biology course requested that I send them my transcripts by May 6. I emailed them back, explaining that it takes a few days to request and receive transcripts from school, so I was afraid they might not get there in time, and could I send them electronically? They replied right away that scanning and emailing them was fine.

Yesterday I picked up my transcripts from Squalicum High School and Whatcom Community College. I emailed them right out at what would have been 11 PM UK time... This morning I had a form letter thanking me for sending the documents and assuring me that they would be submitted to the admissions office.

So, at 11:45 this morning, I put my kids down to sleep and got out my laptop... After only a couple hours of consideration, I HAVE BEEN GIVEN AN UNCONDITIONAL OFFER TO ATTEND MMU!!!!! I can hardly sit still! I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off! I can't believe it, I really can't!!!!

Tedium

It is really hard, after going on an adventure, to go back to your ordinary life. It's just so... Ordinary. I had gotten into the habit of blogging several times a week, so the last couple of weeks, I keep opening up blogger, only to stare blankly at the screen, trying to figure out what to write. The truth is, I don't really have anything to say. I mean, who wants to hear about my day? After about the third post that says exactly the same thing, people would be over it. I know I would, if I was reading it! :)

The day after I got home, I had this momentary panic attack. I was convinced for a short while, that I had dreamed the whole thing up. That made me sad, and worried that I was losing my mind if my delusions had become that realistic. That was when I tripped over my suitcase while getting out of bed... So I knew it had either really happened, or my delusions were far more advanced than I first thought...

So here I am, being my same old boring self, blogging about, well, nothing... Sorry!

Final Days

Monday was an adventuring day. We set out in the morning to visit the legendary Sherwood Forest! Yes, we went to Robin Hood country. We stopped in a town on the way and saw an ancient church. Then made our way to the forest... Of course, it is a lot smaller now, much of it having been cut down for building before it was made a National Nature Reserve... It was a beautiful place, even in its end of winter bareness. There were birds singing everywhere, an laughing voices as people wandered the paths... The main attraction being Major Oak. Major Oak is an extremely old oak tree, that is the rumored location of Robin Hood's hide out. Granted, it's not QUITE old enough fro that, but it's a fun thought! Around the oak, there were booths set up, archery and catapult games, and people in costume. It was a fun festive atmosphere.

Tuesday we took the morning off. We spent time watching T.V. Nice and quiet... In the afternoon, we went to Matlock. It is a sweet town. We walked through the park and around some of the streets, taking it all in. After a bit, we loaded back into the car, and headed to Mairi's parents' house... They live in Matlock. The Montgomerys are WONDERFUL! I loved them to pieces in no time. I was treated to tea from china cups. Offered three different types of cake, and ate the one I chose with the cutest silver cake forks. I got to hear some great stories, family history and such... It was a lovely afternoon. A nice way to spend my final day, surrounded by that family feeling, hearing stories and having great conversation.

That night was hard for me. I love England, and it feels so much like home. I didn't want to leave. Much as I DID want to leave, be home, see my family and friends, I DIDN'T want to leave, you know?... I went to bed that night, with tears...

We got up Wednesday morning at 2:30... Ugh. We had to leave just after 3 am to get to the airport... The good byes were hard. Mairi and Ben had brought me and I cried as I hugged them and turned away... They watched me up the escalator, I turned a corner, and that was the end.

Security wasn't bad at Manchester Airport... The last time I flew out of there, I was surrounded by policemen with machine guns, and had to go through 4 different security checkpoints. This time was much easier... The flight to Paris was short and pleasant, but arrived in Paris late. Now, I had been warned in advance about Charles De Gaulle Airport... I was informed that 3 out of 4 times through, your luggage will get lost, and if you have less than an hour and a half, you probably won't make your flight... IF my plane from Manchester had arrived on time, I would have had an hour and twenty minutes to get the next one... And the plane was twenty minutes late... Great...

I ran... I ran very fast through the airport, knocking people out of the way, shouting "Excuse me!" behind me... About a hundred yards from my gate, I had to stop. There was an enormous line, and they were not letting ANYONE skip through it. Great... I was beginning to panic a bit. Thankfully, I was standing next to two guys from Seattle, who were waiting for the same flight as me. We talked and kept each other calm, agreeing that as so many of us seemed to be in the line, they would hold the plane, right?

It took forever. When we got through that line, we were sent to another line. This line? Another security check. Yep. I got frisked, for the first time in my life, by a large, rather frightening French woman. Then I ran again... I was the second to last person to get on my plane, and had no assurance that my luggage had made it on.

The plane was really nice. The most comfortable one I have ever flown on. The seats had more room, and I could even move my feet. The seat next to me was empty, something I had been praying for hard. I was nice and cozy for the over 10 hours I was on the plane. Every seat had its own screen and had tins of movies and T.V. shows to choose from... It was a great flight, despite its length, except for one thing... The flight attendants didn't feel the need to pay attention to the coach passengers. Half an hour after we took off, we got a snack and drink. Five minutes after that, we got lunch and a drink... That was it for a VERY long time. They kept taking food and drinks up to first and business class, but we were utterly ignored...After SEVEN hours, I was very thirsty. I was tired of waiting, so I rang the call bell... I waited five minutes, then rang it AGAIN... Someone finally came. For crying out loud! SEVEN hours and I had to ASK... An hour after that, the decided to feed us again. A tiny muffin and a drink... I guess it was too much to ask to have a nice comfortable, smooth flight AND good service. It was silly of me to expect it...

Upon reaching Seattle, I made my way to customs. That customs check was surprisingly easy... Of course, then we had another one. At the second, I was lucky enough to be chosen to have my bags all searched. Yay... When I finally made it to where I was supposed to meet my mom and Tab, I was a wreck. Exhausted, sad, and ready to go home... But they weren't there. It took me 45 minutes to find them. They had been told repeatedly by airport officials, that people from my flight would be coming to this other place... So imagine my distress, when after all those hours of travel and multiple searches, to not find them anywhere... It wasn't pretty. I fell apart a little once I finally got to them... After the two hour drive home, I spent my first afternoon and evening alternately watching movies and having long chats with mom and Tab. That, and trying to stay awake...

I am very glad to be home, but miss all my people over the ocean SO much. I hope they all know how much I love them and how grateful I am to them for all they have done for me...

And now I am trying to adjust back to life in the US. My first challenge was approaching the correct side of the car when a passenger... I almost got in the driver's side...