After months of dreaming, it has finally happened... I have a Macbook! Yay! I am ridiculously happy. I have been trying to find a way to afford one forever. And just when I was about to give up hope... Ta Da! Macbook! It isn't new, but it's new to me. It works great, but has some funny little quirks. For instance, the "o" key needs special attention. It won't stand for being pressed just like all the other keys. Oh no! You have to take a little extra time, to show it that you really want it to make an "o." If you treat it like any other key, it will refuse to make an "o" in protest... Another quirk is the disc drive. It works when it feels like it, and ONLY then. Hmmm. I may have to look into getting that little quirk ironed out. Those are the only ones I have found so far, but I have no doubt I'll discover more as time goes on. As it is, I am just basking in the joy of being able to communicate with people more frequently. Or, you know, blog in the middle of the day.
Excuse me for one moment...
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Ok, I'm back.
Now you are probably expecting me to list the things I am feeling a bit impatient over. You would be correct. The first thing I am impatient about is finding out about school. I need to know really soon if I am going to get in. I need to get financial aid and get my student visa going. All of this takes time. I have gone from checking UCAS twice a day to checking UCAS five to seven times a day. Even when it's like three in the morning in the UK. It's driving me crazy!! I don't know how much longer I can handle the suspense. I might just crack.
Another impatience is this. I bought tickets to take a three and a half week vacation in the UK! I leave in two and a half weeks. It's KILLING me. I haven't had a proper vacation in... Hmm... I don't know how long. No wonder I am cracking up...
Now I would like you all to look back over this post and count how many "o's" were used. And think about the fact that each time I used one, I had to give the key a little extra attention...
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Honesty
I just feel the need to pour my heart out a bit. Things have been tough lately. Don't feel like you have to read on. But opening up honestly on a public forum, seems like it might help me a bit. I don't know why...
There are a few dreams I have had, for as long as I can remember. The two most important being, that I want to be a wife and mother. Yep, when friends were imagining being doctors or pilots, I wanted to have a family... There are other dreams, that took longer to puzzle out. Vague images that took a while to form into solid ideas and plans. The main being that I want to help save the lives of wounded wildlife, and heartbroken, neglected teens... Both at the same time. In addition to having a family, I want to open an animal rescue farm/teen counseling home. Animals help people heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually. While having people who care help the animals and the kids. I want to have a Vet on staff, a professional counselor, and take in the wounded and broken. I want to create a place where I can facilitate the animals and children to help each other heal...
These three things, being a wife, being a mother, and creating this farm/home, are my three greatest dreams. My ultimate goals. My purpose on this Earth. And I want to do all these things for the glory of the God who gave me these dreams... But I am beginning to lose heart.
I feel my heart break more, every day that I am not living those dreams. I have been taking practical steps to achieve at least one of those dreams, which is the whole point of this blog. Trying to get into school, so I can become educated on the animals I want to tend. Going to school in England, well, living in England for a time is one of the dreams that comes in right after the top three, so why not try to do both at once? But I feel time slipping away, stealing the years I could have spent living all of these dreams. I wish I had figured out the third one more quickly, so I could already be living it... And every birthday, is another year gone, wasted on just existing, rather than living... I am not living my life. I am on hold. Waiting for my life to start for real...
Don't get me wrong, on the whole I am a happy person. I have some truly amazing friends, a family who loves and supports me, and a job that gives me a steady paycheck in this not-so-job-happy time in the world. What's more, it's a job that allows me to help children, which is a desire of my heart, even if it's not exactly the dream. I also have a God who loves me and sent his son to take my sin, so that I can have the right to know Him personally... Pretty great, right? So I feel kind of whiny and selfish for feeling so discontented... But I want to be ME. The me God created me to be. Fully alive, and living my dreams. And every morning when I wake up, and I am not, I grieve... I've never been a half-way kind of person, so only half-living, breaks my heart a little more every day.
There are a few dreams I have had, for as long as I can remember. The two most important being, that I want to be a wife and mother. Yep, when friends were imagining being doctors or pilots, I wanted to have a family... There are other dreams, that took longer to puzzle out. Vague images that took a while to form into solid ideas and plans. The main being that I want to help save the lives of wounded wildlife, and heartbroken, neglected teens... Both at the same time. In addition to having a family, I want to open an animal rescue farm/teen counseling home. Animals help people heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually. While having people who care help the animals and the kids. I want to have a Vet on staff, a professional counselor, and take in the wounded and broken. I want to create a place where I can facilitate the animals and children to help each other heal...
These three things, being a wife, being a mother, and creating this farm/home, are my three greatest dreams. My ultimate goals. My purpose on this Earth. And I want to do all these things for the glory of the God who gave me these dreams... But I am beginning to lose heart.
I feel my heart break more, every day that I am not living those dreams. I have been taking practical steps to achieve at least one of those dreams, which is the whole point of this blog. Trying to get into school, so I can become educated on the animals I want to tend. Going to school in England, well, living in England for a time is one of the dreams that comes in right after the top three, so why not try to do both at once? But I feel time slipping away, stealing the years I could have spent living all of these dreams. I wish I had figured out the third one more quickly, so I could already be living it... And every birthday, is another year gone, wasted on just existing, rather than living... I am not living my life. I am on hold. Waiting for my life to start for real...
Don't get me wrong, on the whole I am a happy person. I have some truly amazing friends, a family who loves and supports me, and a job that gives me a steady paycheck in this not-so-job-happy time in the world. What's more, it's a job that allows me to help children, which is a desire of my heart, even if it's not exactly the dream. I also have a God who loves me and sent his son to take my sin, so that I can have the right to know Him personally... Pretty great, right? So I feel kind of whiny and selfish for feeling so discontented... But I want to be ME. The me God created me to be. Fully alive, and living my dreams. And every morning when I wake up, and I am not, I grieve... I've never been a half-way kind of person, so only half-living, breaks my heart a little more every day.
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