Honesty

I just feel the need to pour my heart out a bit. Things have been tough lately. Don't feel like you have to read on. But opening up honestly on a public forum, seems like it might help me a bit. I don't know why...

There are a few dreams I have had, for as long as I can remember. The two most important being, that I want to be a wife and mother. Yep, when friends were imagining being doctors or pilots, I wanted to have a family... There are other dreams, that took longer to puzzle out. Vague images that took a while to form into solid ideas and plans. The main being that I want to help save the lives of wounded wildlife, and heartbroken, neglected teens... Both at the same time. In addition to having a family, I want to open an animal rescue farm/teen counseling home. Animals help people heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually. While having people who care help the animals and the kids. I want to have a Vet on staff, a professional counselor, and take in the wounded and broken. I want to create a place where I can facilitate the animals and children to help each other heal...

These three things, being a wife, being a mother, and creating this farm/home, are my three greatest dreams. My ultimate goals. My purpose on this Earth. And I want to do all these things for the glory of the God who gave me these dreams... But I am beginning to lose heart.

I feel my heart break more, every day that I am not living those dreams. I have been taking practical steps to achieve at least one of those dreams, which is the whole point of this blog. Trying to get into school, so I can become educated on the animals I want to tend. Going to school in England, well, living in England for a time is one of the dreams that comes in right after the top three, so why not try to do both at once? But I feel time slipping away, stealing the years I could have spent living all of these dreams. I wish I had figured out the third one more quickly, so I could already be living it... And every birthday, is another year gone, wasted on just existing, rather than living... I am not living my life. I am on hold. Waiting for my life to start for real...

Don't get me wrong, on the whole I am a happy person. I have some truly amazing friends, a family who loves and supports me, and a job that gives me a steady paycheck in this not-so-job-happy time in the world. What's more, it's a job that allows me to help children, which is a desire of my heart, even if it's not exactly the dream. I also have a God who loves me and sent his son to take my sin, so that I can have the right to know Him personally... Pretty great, right? So I feel kind of whiny and selfish for feeling so discontented... But I want to be ME. The me God created me to be. Fully alive, and living my dreams. And every morning when I wake up, and I am not, I grieve... I've never been a half-way kind of person, so only half-living, breaks my heart a little more every day.